Ever since baby boy #3 turned two, I find myself pondering “am I done with babies?” are we “full” as a family? While DH has been certain for a long time, I held tight to all the baby gear and clothes and just, was not ready, to say we were done. Maybe it was pangs of wanting a daughter, or some desire to have the number of kids that my mom did, or just because I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baby months, but I couldn’t admit that my family was complete.
That all changed the last week of August, thanks to a tube of CVS brand SPF 45 sunscreen. It was day 4 of our week long vacation at the beach, and we had perfect weather: sunny, hot but not too hot, and the beach was so inviting with big waves and lots of friends for the kids. So that meant we had to apply sunscreen to three squirmy kids, about three times a day. The morning application isn’t so bad — everyone is cooperative because that is what is required to get out of the apartment! Plus, nobody is covered in sand yet! But the 2nd and 3rd daily applications weren’t so easy — sandy bodies meant the kids were getting exfoliated, and there was no incentive to stay put for a good application. And then it hit me — I can not handle putting sunscreen on one more child. See, I’m certain that I have enough love to share, I have enough insanity to risk juggling my complicated over-scheduled existence, but I fear it is the little stuff like packing lunches, tying shoes, and applying sun protection that would put me over the edge. The edge that moms fear. The edge that once crossed, takes a lot of therapy to come back from…
I’m still surprised at the clarity the sunscreen event brought me. I began the purge process — selling, giving away and donating…. with each bin that I go through, I have had moments of doubt, followed by a sense of drive to clear out. Instead of holding onto the items that keep me thinking of the baby years, luring me to imagine the “what if” scenarios of expanding our family, I’ve been making mental room for the future that I will have with my three kids.
The process continues, and I remain firm, but at the same time I do fantasize about adopting a girl one day….and I’m not quite ready for permanent birth control, so for now, we’ll just continue to use CVS SPF 45. That works, right?